Posts Tagged ‘Eretz Nehederet’

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j3g2-26UMXA&color1=0xb1b1b1&color2=0xcfcfcf&hl=en&feature=player_embedded&fs=1]

Translation courtesy of Ha’aretz and blogger Lisa Goldman:

“The clip starts with Likud leader Benjamin Netanyahu and Kadima chair Tzipi Livni claiming that each won the election. In identical speeches delivered simultaneously, both urge President Shimon Peres to give him/her the first crack at forming a government. Then Lieberman walks in, so they switch to ingratiating themselves to him.

Netanyahu tells Lieberman that he’s a “lean, mean sex machine” and Livni tells him he looks fantastic. “Have they told you you’re a handsome man?” she asks. They both clamor to negotiate with him so that he’ll join their government.

In response Lieberman has his goons move them aside by force. When Netanyahu objects, Lieberman shoots a bullet at his foot. “Walla, he’s serious!” says Netanyahu, as the black-clad goons hustle him and Livni into a cell.

The lights dim, the Yisrael Beiteinu banner is unrolled, and Lieberman addresses the nation:

“Good Morning, Israel,” he begins. “Citizens, Class B Citizens, Class C Citizens – and Arabs. I declare the founding of a Jewish state called Yisrael Beiteinu. Applause.” (The audience obediently applauds, then stops as soon as Lieberman raises his right hand)

“The elections were a marvelous experience and they were also a final experience. There will be no more elections. Mina [a famous pollster], your next poll will be called, ‘What do you think of the leader?’ And the answers will be: (a) He is excellent; (b) He is great; (c) He’s totally hot, I’d leave him nothing but his socks and do him right here and now; (d) All answers are correct with the addition of coconut oil. Applause plus whistles.” (The audience obediently applauds and whistles, then stops on command)

“Regarding the rest of the choices, I decide as follows. On planes, regarding chicken or beef – beef. For weddings, garden or indoor event – indoor event. On Galgalatz (Army Radio), Madonna or Shakira – Madonna. Regarding leftists: If you voted Hadash, you will receive a new (hadash) passport (the leftwing party’s name is an acronym of Democratic Party for Peace and Equality, but also means “new”).

“Applause. Now lower the volume of the applause. Raise it again. Now applaud to a jazz rhythm.”

Eyal Kitzis, the host of the show, interrupts and asks, “Mr. Lieberman, would you allow me to ask you a question from the studio?”

Lieberman: “No, I won’t.” (laughter). “Which reminds me, regarding television (he picks up a remote control bearing the Yisrael Beiteinu logo): This is your new remote control. There is one button, and a variety of one channel. You can watch Lieberman TV. The other channels have moved to the History Channel. Regarding Internet – there’s no need. From now on, there’s Yvet Net (Yvet is Lieberman’s nickname). You can send us your questions by email, and one of our representatives will contact you with a notice of indictment. Good morning, Israel.”

Kitzis interrupts again: “Mr. Lieberman, with all due respect, there’s no guarantee that you will even be a senior minister in the coming government – let alone prime minister. And there’s also the matter of the police investigations [into your affairs].”

Lieberman: “Don’t worry, I will investigate the police fairly and firmly (echoing the slogan used by the army to describe the means used to evacuate settlers from Gush Katif in 2005).”

Lieberman calls one of the muzzled German shepherds and hands him a police cap to sniff. “Snoopy, find the chief of police! Catch him! Eat him! Go!”

Kitzis: “Ooookay, with that I must return the broadcast to Yonit Levy (the Channel 2 news anchor).”

Lieberman holds up his hand and says, “Leave Yonit to me!” He brandishes a taxi light (a reference to the fact that Levy’s boyfriend hosts a game show called “Money Cab”) and calls to another muzzled German shepherd, “Roxy! Smell this! Go! Eat Yonit! Go!”

And with that, Kitzis hands the show over to Levy.”